POW.

It is absolutely astonishing how something can change in an instant. Pow.

Everything is different.

Last night Andrew picked me up from work and we made our way home. We went a way we usually don't, just because, and if we wouldn't have gone that way I think a lot of things wouldn't be going on in my head right now. As we were crossing a bridge that connects my city to his we saw a cluster of cop cars on the side of the road. I happened to look a little closer and noticed a bike discarded on the side walk and mentioned this to Andrew. All of his roommates bike, one of them takes that bridge every night. He immediately pulled out his phone and handed it to me. "text Hannae and ask her if she is at work." Hands shaking I texted Hannae. About an hour later we got the text back, "I'm in the hospital, got hit by a car, I'm okay but my phone is dying." Pow. 

It was a hit and run.

Some person hit Hannae with their car and continued driving as she fell off her bike and slammed her head against the pavement. Luckily the person behind Hannae stopped, as well as an off duty police officer. Andrew and I had driven past not even 15 minutes after it happened. Hannae is okay. Andrew and I drove straight to the hospital and stayed with her till she was discharged around 1 in the morning. It was a terrifying thing, it turned me on my side then jumbled up my head.

This is a word to anyone who drives, BE CAREFUL, and take responsibility for your actions! Hannae was lucky but Andrew and I know and knew people who were not as lucky as her. Bikers have a right to be on the road as much as cars do, in fact in my mind they have more of a right, they aren't destroying the planet to get from one place to another, they are using their own body's strength to get there. 

please please please be careful.

xoxo

Kelsey Elizabeth.

Wow.

So school starts again tomorrow...

I love learning, I love acquiring new knowledge it amazes me what we can retain and apply to other parts of our lives. With that being said I have almost no desire to go back to school. I was supposed to move back into my apartment at school yesterday but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept questioning why I was going back: why did I need too? why didn't I want to? Why does society now force us to go to school for a large part of out lives? If it was up to me I would go into some kind of trade work but that isn't looked at as a respectable way to make money anymore. That is what you do when you are "incompetent" when you don't have a college degree and you are "worthless." That is insane! I would like to see a common white collar worker solder together an intricate ring or pendant. I would like to see them disassemble and then reassemble a camera. There is so much that needs to be done in our world on a daily basis that is looked down upon by people who are "better" because they don't get their hands dirty at work. 

Anyway this entry has kinda started turning in a direction that I didn't expect it to. What I was planning on saying was:

I was freaking out yesterday, I told my parents that I didn't want to go back to school, I had no desire. While I was talking to them I was also texting andrew and telling him basically the same things. He called me so we could talk a little and because he was on his way to my house and he wanted to know if I still wanted to see him. (of course I did) So he came and picked me up, I said good bye to my parents and that I would see them the next day. I got in the car and andrew started calming me down immediately. He listened to me as to why I was so nervous to go back to school, it was a kinda long list. He then broke everything down bit by bit and explained why I shouldn't be worried about each thing. The end point basically was "you don't need to worry, everything is going to be okay, failure isn't an option." He kept going on about how he knows I can do this. That I'm smart enough and he believes in me. 

Long story short he is amazing. It is going to be weird to go back to school where I don't get to see him every day and fall asleep with him keeping me warm every night. I will still get to talk to him every day, no matter if it's texting on the phone or whatever and I will get to see him on weekends. And it is only a little longer until I am out of school and we will be on our way.

kelsey elizabeth

What's left to do?

So I'm in a rough place guys. My suite mate, one of my best friends at school, and I got in a HUGE fight. The weekend before Thanksgiving we were texting and she was complaining about one of our other roommates. I was a little sick of her complaining and constantly judging others before she really gave them a chance. I tried to word things so they weren't mean comments after another. I tried to state the bad with a lot of honey. Or so I thought. After about a half day of texting back and forth, I had work or else it would have been all day, the day ended with a phone call. She had called me yelling at me almost crying and very angry, she was calling me names, putting me down, and she was quite frankly judging me through the way she was interpreting what I had said. I would try to explain my side and she would just get angry again. 

Long story short we are no longer talking, I don't know what to do. We used to talk every day and now she told my roommate that I don't want to have anything to do with her. I never said anything of the sort. After a semester of her calling me out and getting mad at me over little things I got to the point that I was always the one crawling back on my knees, to be truthful it felt like she was pushing me away and she didn't really want to be my friend. I didn't say any of the things I said to her trying to be mean I was just trying to help her, I was and still am afraid that she is going to continue pushing people away and ruin potentially great friendships. 

Also I already bought her some things for christmas and I'm afraid that she won't want them if they are from me. It just sucks and I don't know what to do.

xoxo Kels

Oh the list again...

- Move out of my parents house.
- Own my own car.
- Actually be in a relationship.
- Get married.
- Help make my wedding dress.
- Open my own used book store.
- Sell at least one of my artworks. (to someone i don't know)
- Graduate with a 3.5 minimum gpa.
- See John Mayer live in concert at least one more time.
- See Jason Mraz live in concert at least one more time.
- See Coldplay live in concert.
- See Jack's Mannequin live in concert.
- Get a book published.
- Live as a minimalist for at least a year. (my books don't count in my minimialistic ways.)
- Do something that is worthwhile. (charity work, donations, start a movement something.)
- Visit france, ireland, italy, germany, scotland, turkey, japan, and anywhere else life takes me.
- Go on a road trip that takes me through a minimum of 5 states. (with Nicole P Smith)
- Drive on Rt 66.
- Visit mistletoe, KY.
- Visit Canada again.
- Visit Alaska.
- Visit Mexico again.
- Be an extra in a movie or TV show.
- Crew for at least one more theatre show.
- Keep my 21st birthday classy.
- Keep most of the friends I have now till the day I die.
- Know how to speak at least a minimal amount of spanish, french, german, and sign language.
- Get my tattoo. (this is part done... it might never be done.)
- Send a group of strangers random cards (christmas, was thinking about you, etc.) with ten dollars in it.
- Inspire someone.
- Hug every person i get introduced to for at least a month.
- Take a year off. no matter what im doing, work school whatever, at least one year of none of that, before I retire.
- Live in a small town somewhere in a old house that im more or less forced to fix up.
- Really learn how to play my guitar and piano.
- Get hired at a job that makes more then 8.86 an hour.
- Have some kind of family with the person i marry.
- Attend Sundance film festival at least once. 
- Join Phi Sigma Sigma.
- Kiss someone I like in the pouring down rain.
- Visit a Hindu temple. 
- Learn how to surf.
- Skinny dip.
- See a taping of Craig Ferguson.
- Own a cat or dog while still on my own. [(If dog, a med husky mix) (If cat, will be named cat; like the cat in breakfast at Tiffs.)]
- See my brother get married.
- See my sister get married.
- Know what it feels like to have someone I like romantically, like me romantically... at the same time.

So i haven't been on here in awhile. I'm on tumblr more than anything else. That place is awesome. =]

xoxo

Kels

I have no voice left.

I am currently on vacation in Martha's Vineyard. For those of you who know me this is a big deal. This is something my family has been doing since I was about three years old. This is usually my favorite week of summer; a week with my family relaxing, spending time together on the beach, picking strawberries, going to the farmer's market and so much more. I usually look forward to this week all year. For the past four odd years we haven't visited the vineyard. It was strange at first, but we got used to it. My summer's never really felt the same but all in all it was ok.

Now this year we are back, pulling onto the island a feeling of calm washed over me. I felt like I was home after a long time. I watched all the houses breeze by, the trees, the people biking, the farms, the hand built rock walls. The island has this amazing thing about it, everything feels worn and well loved. Even the new buildings have a feeling of being worn in, as if everything used to build the house had come from another home or another life. Everything here is comfortable, the people have what I call the island mentality. There is no rush, you let people cross the road in their time, you let people out when they are stuck at a little road joining a bigger one. There is no thought process of everything being about yourself, instead everything you do is for others. It is a calming and humbling experience for those who have never experienced it. Having traveled here just under 20 years I look forward to this experience, I consider it my week of zen. 

All of that being said, there is something different this year. I'm thinking it is me, or maybe it is my family. Maybe it is the presence of a home phone, a tv, and computers. Usually there is none of that, instead every night we would play a board or card game and relax and talk as a family. We would listen to what the other people were saying instead of staring at the tv simply nodding and mumbling at the appropriate places. I am let down this year, that is the simple truth. I knew coming into this trip that it wouldn't be the same as all of my previous ones. Somehow I thought that my family would notice the difference, I thought that someone else would say something and try to help stere it back to what it used to be. I tried to be that person, I tried to change it back to what we used to have. Instead I feel like I'm standing here screaming into the wind and my family is just beyond where they can hear. Every now and again they look up and there is a shimmer of realization in their eye but that quickly dissolves into something else and they go back to what they were doing leaving me here screaming to them. My voice is growing hoarse and my body is becoming weaker. I realize this sounds very needy and childish. I know that. But I just had to get it off my chest, I had to try to explain at least part of what it going on in my head. This soup like mush that is taking over what used to be coherent thoughts. 

We are only three days into the trip and I want to come home. Yesterday I was starting to feel better I really was, and then it all imploded. I know that at this point I'm not enjoying myself mainly because of my disposition. That is the main reason why I'm writing here. I'm trying to get these negative thoughts out of my head and move on. Negative thoughts are contagious, they latch onto everything and pull you down. I'm trying to stop the spiral and so far things have just been getting worse. I feel like I'm annoying people at home. I miss them and I feel like by the time I get home they will want nothing to do with me. Again with the negative thoughts latching onto other thoughts and ruining things. I just want to curl up into a ball and feel comfortable again, I don't feel comfortable here... not like I do at home with my friends. That is a little bit of a scary feeling to me. I am always scared to be dependent on others. In fact I'm scared of most things. 

xoxo,
Kelsey Elizabeth.  

Pictures from the vineyard:

 (boppie.)

(path the the beach.)

(just outside the house.)

Question: What scares you the most?